Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Looking Back

It hit me today while watching Henry walk around the house (he is everywhere now that he has this walking business down) that this little guy has been with us for a year. We've thrown the big party, we did the pictures, but for some reason it really sunk in today. 

I am sure every year will be a learning experience and with it will bring all kinds of new seasons, but this year is one for the record books.  I love Henry oh so much. His personality is the sweetest and by golly if he doesn't have the cutest fluff in the world.  There were times this past year though that I thought I wasn't going to cut it in this mom business. 

The first eight weeks for me were brutal. BRUTAL. I was a crazed clock watcher. The night time brought on the worst anxiety.  I would intentionally leave for work early just so I could sit in my car for 20 minutes in a parking lot as an escape (only then to be pelted with feelings of guilt for leaving my babe).  The mom guilt and insecurities of comparison were always there. Life the first few months was just hard. 

I am far from an expert. I have learned no mom is an expert, just more seasoned and experienced.  I am slowly getting more comfortable in this new mom skin.  

The importance of community takes on a whole new meaning when you have a child.  We rely on our parents more. I am so very grateful to have friends with kids close in age that can play together while we attempt to have a meaningful conversation.  When a friend can get Henry to giggle with delight I melt because I know that friend is god fearing and a great example. It takes a village and I am embracing that fact. I used to hide away and freak out if Henry was the slightest bit fussy, now I am totally ok with calling someone up to get out or letting Grandma or Grandpa spoil him rotten.  The pressure of always being perfect doesn't weigh as heavy. 

I have been studying Gideon and the focus over the past week has been being faithful through the monotony. That God shows up in our daily lives, he doesn't always come in a burning bush or in an audible tone. What I have been called to do, is what I am doing right now. My work looks different during this season. Instead of getting dressed to the (somewhat) best every day, I am lucky to blow dry my hair. Crockpot dinners are the best creation ever rather than a meal with 50 ingredients that can wow a crowd.  Having a few dust bunnies adds character to a home (ha).  My name isn't in the papers, I'm not leading a revival, but I am serving my purpose for right now.  The monotony is staggering at times, but it makes me listen harder. It makes me more eager to step out.  It builds discipline and contentment.  

I have always struggled with putting others first. Yes, I can be genuine and care for others' needs. But, when it came to sacrificing my little bubble of comfort, it was hard. This year has shattered that. A friend of mine posts periodically on twitter or on her blog, "I must become less so that He can become more."  Self sacrifice and submission are the front runners, in my opinion, to a healthy home.  It has been a humbling and great lesson to learn. 

Thanks for letting me have a soap box today while I enjoy my 20 minutes of alone time in my car (hey, I still like my occasional Sonic drink to myself at times).  This first year has been good. So good. Ready to see what else I can learn from this wise little one. 

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