A majority of the nights of the week, when the clock hits eight and it is time for Henry's bed time feeding, I turn into a crazed lady. Last night was one of those times. I have heard this is common with new moms. It is a little frightening, honestly. No matter how many times I remind myself the emotions will come and they will go, during that moment I can't control myself (or don't try hard enough). So, I sobbed and sobbed as I put a baby who didn't want to go to bed, in his crib.
Every night we pray for a restful night. Every night I cringe because I never know if that prayer will be answered and even moreso have no idea how I will be able to function another day in my current state.
At 10:30 we got Henry up for his dream feed. I had calmed down (poor Chris, he is so good to me) and held the little guy's hand as I sat there and tried and tried to think of what I am doing wrong or what lessons God is attempting to teach me through this season. Pray without ceasing, that's a no brainer now. Patience, still working on that. Extending grace, the kid is still alive :) just kidding. Being a servant, I am stretched daily. Doing things without complaining, I am catching myself more often.
After putting Henry back to bed and crawling into our own for the night, we said our last prayer together for the evening and it clicked. While Chris was praying he said two things that I am sure he says every night, but for some reason I actually heard them last night. He prayed that we would continually find time to be in the Word and to seek Him. He also pointed out that we can do nothing without Him.
Grace, time in the Word, grace, time in the Word.
There is nothing during this season that I can do to improve it. I need a big fat dose of humility and a reality check that God is in control, not me.
So, after we prayed and I said my own quiet "forgive me" prayer, we fell asleep. Prayers were answered last night and Henry slept for a long stretch, Praise the Lord! Tonight might not be the same, but He always provides what we need when we need it. A restful night, a smile from a boy who is cantankerous, a husband who steps in when you have no idea what else to do, a friend who calls and just talks to you like normal, a picture of your cute niece and nephew, a facebook post from another mom in the same season posting just the right passage you need for that day, the list is endless of the blessings that have been poured down during this season that I continually think is so hard.
While Henry is currently napping and I should be doing housework (or paperwork for work for that matter), I sat and read Ecclesiastes 3 and listened to this song. Contentment can be such a struggle at times, but today, I am content.